Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall

Late one night, around 11:30 pm, Jerry Hall arrived to the Scarlet Huntington Hotel in San Francisco and young bellhop Ted was assigned to escort her up to her room. He led her through the door and she was immediately disgusted by the flower arrangement on the table. She demanded a new one.
"The flower shop is closed right now," Ted said, "but we'd be happy to replace it tomorrow."
"I want new flowers IMMEDIATELY," Jerry Hall howled.
Fortunately, Ted was able to call in a few favors and got the flower-mart to open in the middle of the night. They put together one of the most beautiful bouquets they'd ever arranged and Ted was able to deliver it to her room by 1:30 am. Jerry Hall opened the door and looked at the arrangement with contempt. She snatched the flowers from Ted's hands and threw them onto the hallway floor behind him. She was livid.
The next day, Mick Jagger called the front desk and asked to talk to Ted.
"Ted, I'm really sorry. I don't know what's going on with Jerry," he said. "Would you accept a hundred dollar tip for your troubles?"
Jerry left the hotel later that day and Mick stayed on for the rest of the week for some much needed alone time.

Ted's Tips on Women: Part 2

The age at which a young man has the broadest range of bag-able women is 30. Professional women in their mid to late 30s, who wouldn't give a kid in his 20s the time of day, begin paying attention. The hottest babes in their early 20s who have no interest in boys their own age can be lured by the wisdom and sophistication of the 30 year old.

On a first date (as mentioned in Ted's Tips on Women: Part One, Tiki Bars are a great place to start), allow the young lady to talk for the first twenty minutes. Every woman wants to show you her scars, physical and emotional--this information is invaluable and should be encouraged. After she has laid out her history of scars, she will go into her past relationships, and from there will describe what she wants for the future.

 Don't let her talk for more than twenty minutes or she will think you're not a man. For the rest of the date you must use everything you were just told against her. Empathize with her emotional scars, laugh about how immature and effeminate her previous boyfriends were, and demonstrate the qualities she yearns for in her future. You don't need to worry at this point whether she is insane or not--just run with it.

By stirring up the emotional traumas of her vulnerable youth, it is entirely possible to become a father figure that she will hold onto forever during this very first date.

Taiwan Haircut

On one of Ted's frequent world travels, he found himself in Taipei Taiwan in need of a haircut. He approached one of the most exclusive Taiwanese hair salons and was told that nobody there had ever cut a white man's hair before and he'd have to schedule an appointment with the hairdressing master for a week later.

Ted showed up for his appointment the next week and found that the master had invited all of the barbers to witness and learn from the momentous occasion.

As the master snipped, the other barbers ooh'd and aah'd at his work. At the conclusion of the cut, the master received a standing ovation while he took a bow. 

In Ted's opinion, the haircut was terrible.

George Lucas's Star Wars

Between bell-hopping at San Francisco's finest hotel and videotaping depositions for high-profile lawsuits, Ted spent some time working for George Lucas. Lucas was re-releasing the first 3 Star Wars films and put Ted on a team of specialists in charge of updating the special effects. Ted and the team came up with ingenious effects like rotating q-tips to stand in for crowds of Storm Troopers and poking holes in a big black blanket to mimic the sky in outer space.

He did such a great job, Ted was rehired to assist on the filming of the newest Star Wars film of the time, The Phantom Menace. You might be surprised to know that much of it was actually filmed on Hi-8 cameras.

At the end of the shoot, Lucas gave Ted and every other member of the crew a complete collection of every Star Wars toy. Ted gave his collection to his son, who then distributed the toys to all of his friends at school. If only he'd held on to them, it might have covered his future retirement.

Another Guest Tale by Rob

When a man attempts to talk to a woman for purposes of sex or romance, it is often said that the man is "picking up on" the woman.

In the summer of 1976, an 8 year old Rob encountered some older neighbor boys coming home from a wild night out. Rob imagined the boys running around town literally lifting pretty girls up into their arms.

"You guys pick up any girls?" young Rob asked.

The boys began howling with laughter.

"Yeah, we picked up some girls, alright!" they said, high-fiving each other. "Hey kid, you just come up with that pick up girls thing?"

Rob confirmed that he had.

"I like that! Pick up any girls?? I'm gonna use that!"

Several years later, at highschool, Rob noticed classmates using the phrase he had coined so many summers ago. That phrase, invented by a naive young child in the 1970s, has become ingrained in American culture. The popular VH1 television series The Pick Up Artist remains one of the most watched programs in the history of the network. Young men across the country speak nightly of heading out with the sole purpose of "picking up" some "hommins". ("Hommins", of course, meaning attractive young ladies, which didn't catch on quite to the degree of "picking up". However, Rob insists that the widely popular "hotties" has its roots in his own "hommins".)

Carol Channing

In the early 80's, Carol Channing checked in to the hotel for the night.

She called the lobby for Ted's assistance and he was soon outside her room. He knocked on the door and it swung easily open--it had been left open a crack. Miss Channing called to Ted to come in and shut the door behind him. Turning back from the shut door, Ted was faced with Carol Channing standing before him in a hotel robe. He nervously looked away toward the wall. Carol let the robe drop to the floor, revealing her aged body in bra and underwear. Ted looked up and then to the other wall. Carol stepped between Ted's eyes and the wall. She then circled Ted, slowly, where he stood.

"Can I get you anything?" Ted asked.

"That will be all," she said.

Full House

When Ted was 21 years old, his girlfriend's father was the owner of the biggest home-security company in the country, possibly in the world. This home-security company owner left town on a business trip and asked the young couple to stop by his house on Saturday to open the blinds in the front windows as a television crew was going to be shooting the exterior of the house for a new television series.

Ted and his girlfriend decided to skip the blinds and headed to the beach to fool around, and since the TV crew couldn't get into the locked-down house they ended up shooting the scenes with the blinds shut.

Evidence of Ted's shenanigans can be seen in the opening credits before every episode of what would become the wildly popular Full House (for a split second at 1:18 the blinds in the window are clearly shut).

Sidenote: this girlfriend is the same one who later bit off the tip of Ted's nose when he broke up with her. She was the only redhead he ever dated and the only girl with double-D sized breasts. "A fiery one!"