Another Guest Tale by Rob

When a man attempts to talk to a woman for purposes of sex or romance, it is often said that the man is "picking up on" the woman.

In the summer of 1976, an 8 year old Rob encountered some older neighbor boys coming home from a wild night out. Rob imagined the boys running around town literally lifting pretty girls up into their arms.

"You guys pick up any girls?" young Rob asked.

The boys began howling with laughter.

"Yeah, we picked up some girls, alright!" they said, high-fiving each other. "Hey kid, you just come up with that pick up girls thing?"

Rob confirmed that he had.

"I like that! Pick up any girls?? I'm gonna use that!"

Several years later, at highschool, Rob noticed classmates using the phrase he had coined so many summers ago. That phrase, invented by a naive young child in the 1970s, has become ingrained in American culture. The popular VH1 television series The Pick Up Artist remains one of the most watched programs in the history of the network. Young men across the country speak nightly of heading out with the sole purpose of "picking up" some "hommins". ("Hommins", of course, meaning attractive young ladies, which didn't catch on quite to the degree of "picking up". However, Rob insists that the widely popular "hotties" has its roots in his own "hommins".)

Carol Channing

In the early 80's, Carol Channing checked in to the hotel for the night.

She called the lobby for Ted's assistance and he was soon outside her room. He knocked on the door and it swung easily open--it had been left open a crack. Miss Channing called to Ted to come in and shut the door behind him. Turning back from the shut door, Ted was faced with Carol Channing standing before him in a hotel robe. He nervously looked away toward the wall. Carol let the robe drop to the floor, revealing her aged body in bra and underwear. Ted looked up and then to the other wall. Carol stepped between Ted's eyes and the wall. She then circled Ted, slowly, where he stood.

"Can I get you anything?" Ted asked.

"That will be all," she said.

Full House

When Ted was 21 years old, his girlfriend's father was the owner of the biggest home-security company in the country, possibly in the world. This home-security company owner left town on a business trip and asked the young couple to stop by his house on Saturday to open the blinds in the front windows as a television crew was going to be shooting the exterior of the house for a new television series.

Ted and his girlfriend decided to skip the blinds and headed to the beach to fool around, and since the TV crew couldn't get into the locked-down house they ended up shooting the scenes with the blinds shut.

Evidence of Ted's shenanigans can be seen in the opening credits before every episode of what would become the wildly popular Full House (for a split second at 1:18 the blinds in the window are clearly shut).

Sidenote: this girlfriend is the same one who later bit off the tip of Ted's nose when he broke up with her. She was the only redhead he ever dated and the only girl with double-D sized breasts. "A fiery one!"

Dixie Carter

Dixie Carter, best known as Julia Sugarbaker from the television hit, Designing Women, stayed at Ted's hotel in San Francisco for two weeks in 1989. She was joined by her husband, Hal Holbrook, for the first couple of nights, but as soon as he headed back to Los Angeles, Carter set her eyes on Ted.

The first time he came up to her room, Dixie looked him up and down with a naughty smile and said, "Hello, bellman. You'd make a good project."

Ted was called up to her room often during her stay, his usual duty being her personal dressing assistant. This involved choosing her outfit for the day and literally dressing her as she stood, arms out, like a child. Dixie offerred to bring Ted back with her to LA, to take care of him and to make him a star. This was the first time he heard the term "Sugar-Mama."

Last week, on April 10th, Dixie Carter passed away.

Ted truly feels like a part of himself died that day too.

Hell's Angels

Ted was going to get some coffee when he noticed a beautiful Harley Davidson in front of the cafe. His compliments to the big burly biker standing next to the bike were met with derision.

The biker didn't realize how much Ted knew about motorcycles, but after Ted proved his knowledge with some choice perceptions, the biker warmed up to him and invited him to join his Vigilante Gang.

They weren't typical Hell's Angels that were all about drugs and crime, this subset of the gang was into serving justice and getting revenge on those who had wronged others in the gang. Ted considered getting a drink with the guy and meeting the others to discuss it further, but decided it was just too "slippery a slope" and instead remained gang-less.

Ted's Tips On Women: Part One

First, only go for the ones with rich parents. If her parents aren't rich, stop right there.

If her parents ARE rich, your first step is to take her to a Tiki Bar. Girls love Tiki Bars. Order the Scorpion Bowl and when she isn't looking, poke a hole in your own straw so that you're not drinking as much as she is with every sip.

Women love natural pheramones. When you get a chance, step into the restroom, cup your balls with your hands and gently dab that moisure around your neck and behind your ears.

If your girlfriend is ever breaking up with you, Ted has a surefire way to stop her in her tracks. Tell her this simple phrase: "Just remember, you'll never be as happy as you were with me." Psychologically, a woman is incapable of moving on after hearing these words. She'll be eating out of your hands.

Ted once had a girlfriend so in love with him that when he broke up with her she literally bit off the tip of his nose. It had to be surgically reattached.

Oliver Stone

During the filming of The Doors movie, Oliver Stone was staying at the hotel where Ted worked. Mr. Stone had noticed Ted in the lobby and called the front desk asking for them to send Ted up specifically. Ted found Oliver in his luxury suite, wearing only a bathrobe. On the table was a large mountain of cocaine.

"Do you want to get into the movie business, Ted?" Oliver asked.

Ted did want to get into the movie business. But he didn't want it bad enough to do all that coke and to perform oral sex on Mr. Stone.

Courtney Love and Billy Corgan

In the early 90s, Ted lived in an apartment above Courtney Love and Billy Corgan in the Mission District in San Francisco. They were terrible to live above, because they were so loud. They were constantly partying and doing drugs and there were syringes all over the sidewalk outside the building. Eventually their party ways got them evicted and Ted and his neighbors were all glad.

Guest Tale Featuring Rob

Rob has a friend who goes to a gay bar, brings an empty beer bottle to the restroom, relieves himself into it, and sets the bottle of warm urine back on the bar. He then takes his seat in the dark booth in the far corner of the bar and waits.

Soon a man approaches him, hands him $25, and heads over to the bar for a sip from the bottle. The patrons of the bar begin sending text messages to their friends: the handsome guy who pees in the bottle is here, come and get a drink!

An hour later the bottle is empty and Rob's friend is almost $200 richer.

Ted Saves A Dog

Riding his motorcycle across the Bay Bridge on his way to an Oakland A's game, Ted was disturbed to find a small dog darting between high speed cars. He knew what to do. Ted popped a wheely so that he could reach low enough to grab the pup, and without slowing down, scooped the little fellow out of danger and into his arms. Once off the bridge, Ted set the dog down by the side of the road and wasn't a minute late to the big game.

Dolly Parton

One fine day in the late 1980s, on a routine call to a room at the hotel, bellhop Ted encountered actress and country music star Dolly Parton. In response to his knock at the door, Dolly's Southern twang hollered for him to come on in, the door's unlocked. Ted shuffled in to find Miss Parton seated in front of her vanity mirror, topless. Her large breasts rested on the desk in front of her. It wasn't room service she required. No, Dolly requested hair service. She handed Ted a big brass hairbrush and told him to brush her long curly blonde locks.