Hell's Angels

Ted was going to get some coffee when he noticed a beautiful Harley Davidson in front of the cafe. His compliments to the big burly biker standing next to the bike were met with derision.

The biker didn't realize how much Ted knew about motorcycles, but after Ted proved his knowledge with some choice perceptions, the biker warmed up to him and invited him to join his Vigilante Gang.

They weren't typical Hell's Angels that were all about drugs and crime, this subset of the gang was into serving justice and getting revenge on those who had wronged others in the gang. Ted considered getting a drink with the guy and meeting the others to discuss it further, but decided it was just too "slippery a slope" and instead remained gang-less.

Ted's Tips On Women: Part One

First, only go for the ones with rich parents. If her parents aren't rich, stop right there.

If her parents ARE rich, your first step is to take her to a Tiki Bar. Girls love Tiki Bars. Order the Scorpion Bowl and when she isn't looking, poke a hole in your own straw so that you're not drinking as much as she is with every sip.

Women love natural pheramones. When you get a chance, step into the restroom, cup your balls with your hands and gently dab that moisure around your neck and behind your ears.

If your girlfriend is ever breaking up with you, Ted has a surefire way to stop her in her tracks. Tell her this simple phrase: "Just remember, you'll never be as happy as you were with me." Psychologically, a woman is incapable of moving on after hearing these words. She'll be eating out of your hands.

Ted once had a girlfriend so in love with him that when he broke up with her she literally bit off the tip of his nose. It had to be surgically reattached.

Oliver Stone

During the filming of The Doors movie, Oliver Stone was staying at the hotel where Ted worked. Mr. Stone had noticed Ted in the lobby and called the front desk asking for them to send Ted up specifically. Ted found Oliver in his luxury suite, wearing only a bathrobe. On the table was a large mountain of cocaine.

"Do you want to get into the movie business, Ted?" Oliver asked.

Ted did want to get into the movie business. But he didn't want it bad enough to do all that coke and to perform oral sex on Mr. Stone.

Courtney Love and Billy Corgan

In the early 90s, Ted lived in an apartment above Courtney Love and Billy Corgan in the Mission District in San Francisco. They were terrible to live above, because they were so loud. They were constantly partying and doing drugs and there were syringes all over the sidewalk outside the building. Eventually their party ways got them evicted and Ted and his neighbors were all glad.

Guest Tale Featuring Rob

Rob has a friend who goes to a gay bar, brings an empty beer bottle to the restroom, relieves himself into it, and sets the bottle of warm urine back on the bar. He then takes his seat in the dark booth in the far corner of the bar and waits.

Soon a man approaches him, hands him $25, and heads over to the bar for a sip from the bottle. The patrons of the bar begin sending text messages to their friends: the handsome guy who pees in the bottle is here, come and get a drink!

An hour later the bottle is empty and Rob's friend is almost $200 richer.

Ted Saves A Dog

Riding his motorcycle across the Bay Bridge on his way to an Oakland A's game, Ted was disturbed to find a small dog darting between high speed cars. He knew what to do. Ted popped a wheely so that he could reach low enough to grab the pup, and without slowing down, scooped the little fellow out of danger and into his arms. Once off the bridge, Ted set the dog down by the side of the road and wasn't a minute late to the big game.

Dolly Parton

One fine day in the late 1980s, on a routine call to a room at the hotel, bellhop Ted encountered actress and country music star Dolly Parton. In response to his knock at the door, Dolly's Southern twang hollered for him to come on in, the door's unlocked. Ted shuffled in to find Miss Parton seated in front of her vanity mirror, topless. Her large breasts rested on the desk in front of her. It wasn't room service she required. No, Dolly requested hair service. She handed Ted a big brass hairbrush and told him to brush her long curly blonde locks.